The Painted Leaves Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW And they were talking about these new artificial fireplace logs with the green and blue flame and how fantastic they are. You see, to men, being real is easy. Looking real is a lot more special. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, dougie franklin's gonna tell all you guys how to avoid going to church on Sunday. Bill and I are gonna play croquet. Guess I win. I'm gonna show you how to make furniture out of leaves. And, unfortunately, mike bought a little too much lumber. And now here's the man who knows one end of the hammer from the other, though he's quite handy with both, my uncle, red green! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Thank you very much. Thank you and please put your hands together, preferably one on each side of his head, for my nephew, harold. [ engine sputters ] real colorful week up at the lodge this week. Junior singleton had about 200 cans of paint explode out of his paint shop. It says right on the can "do not store near heat." you think he'd know better than try and prop up his stove with them. Yeah, but to be fair, harold, junior's not a great lover of literature. The only thing he's read cover to cover is a matchbook. Well, I bet he does now, 'cause, boy, when that shed blew -- whoa! -- There was paint everywhere. Ha ha! All over everything. It looked like one of those psychedelic posters from the '60s. Yeah, I thought somebody had blown up the smurfs. But I'll tell you -- did you see that pine tree out in the lane there, kind of a frosty pink? Nice-looking, looked good. There is a lovely turquoise oak in the laneway. That's my favorite. Although, there is also a flake metal cherry-red elm -- very nice, very nice. Well, up at the lodge, we like to turn adversity into perversity. So what we're gonna do now is paint every tree in the forest -- or I should say at least the leaves, and that way, we'll get autumn coming earlier, and all the tourists will come up to our place first to see the fall colors. [ engine sputtering ] tomorrow is the first day of the end of your life. [ squeaking ] ♪ oh, don't mind the flies, just close your eyes ♪ ♪ you'll be in and out toot sweet ♪ ♪ to find where stuff goes, just follow your nose ♪ ♪ there's a hole at the end of the seat ♪ ♪ no need to blush, there's nothing to flush ♪ ♪ the gravity feeds straight to hell ♪ ♪ but just be sure to double-check the brochure ♪ ♪ 'cause this is definitely not a five-star hotel ♪ okay. You've just dropped the wife and the kids off at Sunday school, and the wife turns to you and says, "hey, why don't you come into the church with us?" and you're gonna have to come up with an excuse. Oof! Amen, amen. And it's gonna have to be a hummer, one that works that also doesn't offend your wife. Oof! Tall order there. Right on. Now, here's one I use all the time. "no, honey. "whenever the minister starts to wax eloquent about sin, "it just plants bad ideas in my head that weren't there in the first place." or you can threaten to sing. That works around my house. Yep. Or there's this. This is great. Just bamboozle them with scriptures, something to the effect of, "honey, romans 8:4 -- "'yea, verily, it came to pass "'the women and children sought refuge in the temple, while the men went forth to hose down their vehicles.'" [ ducks quacking ] you know, no matter how much paint we put on the leaves around possum lodge, they're all gonna fall out of the trees anyway, 'cause that's all part of mother nature's plan, and we know how irritating she can be. So I thought I'd take "handyman corner" here and show you how you can say "goodbye" to that rotten pile of moldy leaves and "hello, brand-new living-room couch." all right, first thing I'm gonna need is a couple of table -- where the heck did I -- darn leaves must have got piled on here. Hmm. [ zip! ] nope. [ zip! ] [ quack! ] darn kids. [ clanging ] here we go. There's one. There we go. All right. So you need a couple of these, uh, vinyl tablecloths, which you can pick up at a church picnic during the closing prayers while everybody has their eyes shut. Okay, and you put one down on there and you put the other one and lie it right down on top. That happens a lot at picnics. And then you want to seal up three of the sides. You can use a glue gun for that or a soldering iron or you could crimp eaves troughings along there. But I prefer to use the handyman's secret weapon... Duct tape. And you want to really lay the duct tape on there, because this couch is gonna have to withstand thousands of pounds of pressure, especially during the playoffs. All right, now, all you got to do is rake up your leaves off your front lawn and your back lawn and start stuffing them in there. Now, if you have a dog or something, you may want to sift through the leaves, uh, to avoid any surprises. Or I suppose you could wear a pair of gloves or something. [ squish! ] hope that was a pinecone. And there we are -- a comfy leaf couch. Couple little throw cushions for accent pieces. And, uh, how about a very attractive leaf footstool? Check out that one. And the beauty of this is -- in five months, it'll be spring, and all your furniture will be full of compost. So now you can start growing real potatoes instead of just couch ones. So, enjoy your living-room set. Remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Another bonus is -- when you want to lie on the couch, you can be a kid again and jump in the leaves. [ whoop! ] stay tuned as bill and I have a game of full-contact croquet. And ranger gord tells us everything he knows about the forest. It only takes a minute. I want to talk to you middle-aged guys about job security. I've had a few jobs myself over the years, and I know the pink-slip warning signs. Okay, first of all, you take a day off work and nobody notices. That's a bad sign, okay? Or your boss keeps bringing new employees into your office and saying, "what about here?" or you go on holidays for a week, and they replace you with a 12-year-old kid who doesn't speak english. And then when you come back, they have a going-away party for him, and everybody cries and the boss takes down his home phone number. Bad sign, bad. So if this sounds familiar to you, luckily, there are a few things you can do to avoid the inevitable. First one -- go out right now and marry somebody who has a job. Next thing you can do is get on a first-name basis with everybody down at the unemployment office. And the third one -- most important -- don't get down on yourself. Try to look at the bright side of being unemployed. For one thing, your time's your own, huh? No traffic problems. You wake up in the morning, you're there. I know, uh, when I was out of work from early June 1982 to late August...1989, I never got down on myself. I figured, "you know, there's a lot of guys out there "making a lot of money doing something they hate -- work. "whereas here am I making zip doing something I love -- nothing." so, remember, I'm pulling for you, 'cause we're all in this together. Well, this idea of painting all the leaves to bring autumn here early has gone over the dam in a big way. Everybody's pretty darned excited about having the seasons changing that much sooner, especially moose thompson now, 'cause his boss told him he could have two weeks off this fall, and now he gets to take them while he's still got the good summer weather. Old man sedgwick -- he likes the idea 'cause he says now he can bring his dock in while the water's still warm. Wa-a-a-a! Yeah, the only real downside is that now we're hunting when there's mosquitos and black flies out. So we're gonna delay the hunting season closer to christmas, which is gonna be in October, and easter will fall in December, and then next summer's gonna start in February, which is gonna save everybody a ton of money in air-conditioning. Uncle red, I-I hope you're taking your time and carefully choosing these colors, you know? I get nervous when people in plaid start choosing color coordinates. Well, we don't want to take a lot of time choosing, so we're not asking the women to help. Now, we were gonna go with the glossy, but that takes two coats, so we're gonna go with the satin finish on that. And with the saplings, we're gonna go with the mulberry, and then every alternate leaf, we'll have kind of the beigey-brown-yellowy kind of a putrid kind of a look here mixed in, possibly with a burgundy and the lime green. Uncle red, you think this idea of yours is gonna work? Don't you think that people are gonna know the trees are just painted? You ever seen the people that come up and look at the fall colors, harold? Huh? These are senior citizens. The average age is deceased, harold. They're about 4 feet tall. They're sitting there in the bus. They can hardly see over the edge of the window there. They got the bifocals happening, tinted glass windows, and the forest is going by at 100 clicks an hour. Uncle red, I don't think you should talk like that. Your father will probably be a passenger on one of those busses. No way. He'll be driving. Red: We're up here at fire tower 13 with ranger gord, a man who has spent the last 16 years day and night up in that tower, not able to have a wife, not able to have a family. I guess you could say, in a way, he is wedded to the forest. That's true, red. In fact, we made it official last week. Had a little ceremony and everything. How do you mean, gord? I got married to the forest. Made it official. I mean, after 16 years of not being married, you know, it wasn't fair. Yeah, I, uh, ordered a ring and everything. Cost me two months' salary. I think he means two months' sanity. Anyway, we're all painting leaves, as you know, so I thought I'd get ranger gord to teach us all about leaves this week. Yeah, I mean, I wanted to talk about how bears mate, but apparently red didn't think that would be a good idea. No, it's not a good idea. We're gonna talk about leaves, gord. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with all the bear costumes. We're gonna talk about the leaves. All right, so here are some leaves. Uh, here is an oak leaf... Yep. ...A maple leaf, and, of course, a birch leaf. Now, what sort of differences do you notice, mr. No-bear-mating green? Well, the oak leaf is certainly rounder. And, uh, the maple leaf's got all the points going there. And then the birch is smaller with a serrated edge on it. Sure. Yeah. What else? Hmm? What about their moods? Their moods? Yeah. See, the oak leaf is happy, happy and contented, see? And the maple leaf is angry, upset about something. [ growls ] and the birch leaf is tense, holding it all in. Yeah. But I married her for better or worse. [ laughs ] all right, gord, well, you know, thank you so much, appreciate it. But the guys are painting, and I really should go help them, you know? Okay, and make sure you use a latex paint, because some of the oil-based paints have fumes that could damage the brain. No kidding? It's mail call. Harold: [ laughs ] okay, bob from caledonia writes, "how can you figure out whether a woman finds you handsome or just handy?" that's a good question, 'cause there's nothing worse than thinking she said, you know, "come on up for a nice light dinner," and what she actually said was, "come on up and fix my light dimmer." whole family stands around and watches you almost electrocute yourself. Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah! Well, that would explain a few things, harold. Uh, bob, I would say it's this way. If a woman invites you up for a nightcap, that means she finds you handsome. Whereas if she invites you up to bait her mousetraps, well, she finds you handy. If she invites you up to show you her new bedroom, you're handsome. Whereas if she invites you up for an estimate to fix her new bathroom, well, you'd be handy. If she says, "coffee, tea, or me," she finds you handsome. If she says, "latex, oil, or semi-gloss," you're handy. But if you can find a woman who says "I do," you're in luck, 'cause that means she finds you handsome and handy. Ha ha. That's for sure. "I do." [ laughs ] oh, that's the one right there -- "I do." [ laughs ] I do what? You don't, harold. Not yet. Not ever. Okay. Well, bill had called me out to the field out behind the lodge there 'cause he had set up a croquet set, and, uh, apparently he had set up an unusual... I don't remember seeing that many sticks on there before. Anyway, I took a shot. I always loved croquet. Yeah, there we go. Perfect. That's the way you do it, bill. Yeah. You know that croquet -- I think of it as kind of an english -- the royal family thing. Oh, I guess "croquet" is, uh, kind of a french word, and, uh... There's a little body english from bill there. You got to hit the ball. I think it's part of the game there, bill. Aah! Ugh! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Aha! No. No, no, no. No, no, that's -- no, that's -- no, you're supposed to be going through -- you got to go through the hoops in a cer-- but, uh, I think it was probably a game that, uh, probably dates back to the time when -- no, no. ...Dates back to the time -- no. ...When people -- no. Later that week... ...Probably dates back to the time when I guess people had a lot more time. Aah! Bill, this is not -- nice, easy. Oh, oh, oh. I think that's a different game. [ buzz! ] what's that? Oh, it's one of those radio-controlled, uh -- it's a radio-controlled car. That's harold's radio-controlled car there. What's going on? Drilling a hole. What's -- he trying to lighten the ball? Took the radio-control unit out of the -- what? Oh, that's from the unplugged album. Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, he's got a radio-controlled croquet ball. Look at that thing. Look at that. Look at that. Through there. Oh, look at him rack up the points. Well, I'm thinking to myself, "hey, you got a radio-controlled car. Why can't I have a radio-controlled plane?" [ boing! Boing! ] [ chuckles ] boy, I love a challenge. Watch this, bill. How about that, huh? Watch this. "star trek." I got mine drifting through, floating in, touching the post. Boink. There we go. On to the next hoop. Oh, fantastic. There goes bill there. I'm right behind him. I'm right behind him. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! Ah! I got to get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Out of my house! Oh! Oh. Ah! Oh, man. Now, remember this, kids. Don't be a sore winner. It can cause you problems. [ plonk! ] oh! See what I mean? Do your bragging when no one can see you. Stay tuned. Buzz sherwood has a whole new personality. And harold and I have a whole new wardrobe. Well, I'll tell you, sir, we have new respect for mother nature and how she can whip up those colors in the forest. I'll tell you that. You know what I-I think is holding us up, is taking the time to take those newspapers and wrap them around the trunks of the trees. No, harold, it's wrestling the darn scaffolding through the forest. You know, you're either shoring up one end or the other to the ground. I'll tell you something else -- putting a primer coat on those birch trees is a waste of time. Oh, hey, hey, uncle red! Here's an idea. How about getting buzz to drop a bunch of pails of paint from his plane? Oh, yeah, he can cover more acreage in a couple flybys than you can in a week. Wa-a-a! Harold, you should circle this date. You're gonna want to remember it. Why? Because right now, and until we try this idea, you are a genius. Wa-a-a! [ engine sputters ] up in the north, many people have come to rely on the bush pilot. In our area, many people have come to blame the bush pilot. That's because it's buzz sherwood. Hey, buzz. Buzz? Red green, my good friend! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you? No, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt -- I'm so glad you're here. And harold. How are my fellow travelers today? Well, we're -- we're fine. Good, good, good. What are you doing here, buzz? Well, I'm assessing the condition of my aircraft and its maintenance level, and I fear it is unflightworthy and dangerous. Are you feeling okay? Red, I've never felt better. I've met a woman. Oh, man. She belongs to a very special church. We talked -- well, we didn't talk so much as -- as we shared an experience, and I have decided to embrace their ways. [ gasps ] I'm so glad I did. She's taught me how to tame the beast within. Well, she's not here right now, so maybe you could let the beast out the one more time. I need a bit of a favor. Yeah. Can you fly for me, buzz? Oh, no more flying, red. Only my spirit flies now. Would you be interested in buying some of my possessions? All monies raised go to the greater oneness. Well, I don't think your clothes would fit me. I'm kind of a greater oneness myself. My albums. You'd enjoy some of my albums. No, they wouldn't fit me, either. Never been a big moby grape fan. Ah, moby grape. The old buzz. Yeah. Now the new buzz has focus. Mm-hmm. Excuse me. I-I have to close the circle within now and become as one with it. Well, it's too bad, buzz, you know? I mean, I-I-I certainly respect your decision, but, you know, I -- what I was planning on getting you to do is to get up in the plane there and, uh, take some buckets of paint and open the doors -- well, that won't be necessary -- and just take the lids off and throw the paint out there and they'd catch in the wind and fall down and paint all the leaves on all the trees in the forest, you know? And the colors that we picked the old buzz would have liked. They would have been, uh, purple and yellow and, uh, kind of an orangey-rusty magenta. Psychedelic?! Yeah! Far out! Yeah! This is great! I'm freaky! I'm in! I'm in! All right! That sounds like a great idea! All right! That oneness thing we'll leave till later. Oh, yeah, sure. This thing, we can -- we can do this another day. All right. This painting a forest sounds way better! All right, all right. Yeah! Great! I'm in! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Didn't you say the plane was unsafe? Oh, yeah, but it's okay, 'cause I'm at one with it. [ both laugh ] well, I'm not. We're back here again at our dream-home, uh, renovation project, and unfortunately, we have run into one of the snags that a lot of renovations run into. Yeah. I'm really sorry, mr. Green. I'm really, really sorry. Yeah. All right. A lot of you probably remember mike. Mike, of course -- it's no secret, especially in this neighborhood, mike is a convicted felon out on parole. I get that right, mike? That's right, mr. Green. Yeah, and, mike, uh, now that you're out and unsupervised, tell the people at home -- what is the one thing that keeps you on the straight and narrow? Oh, urinalysis. All right, okay. As I say -- all right, all right. As I say, we got into a bit of a problem here. Mike went a little overboard and he went out and bought way too much of the paneling and the 2x4s for our, uh, rec-room renovation there. Way -- way, way too much. I'm really sorry, mr. Green. Well, uh, you know, it's always a good thing to have a little extra, you know, 'cause you got to allow for breakage and mistakes and the occasional house fire. Now, rather than take these 2x4s and burn them in a barrel over on a picket line somewhere or take the paneling and shred her down through an arborator, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take these 2x4s and this extra paneling and show you how to make something a lot nicer than a crappy rec room. Really so sorry, mr. Green. [ hammering ] I'm sorry, mr. Green. Yeah. Okay, mike. Well, you know, a lot of people say they'd like to have the cedar shakes on their house, but they're just not prepared to go the big dollar. Well, I bet everybody has enough money for panel shakes. They look nice, mr. Green. Yeah, and correct me if I'm wrong, but to me, nothing says money and taste like an awning. Magnificent. Yeah, now, if you have a dream home that happens to have a fireplace in it, for sure, for darn sure, you're gonna want to have one of these babies right here. Well, I don't have a house or even a fireplace, but I want one of these already. What is it? Well, mike, this is a chute for firewood. Kind of a time-saving shortcut device that allows you to put the wood right down into the basement. Right. Like this? [ glass shatters ] well, you'd -- you'd probably want to make sure that the window was open before you did that, you know. So sorry about this. All right. Well, there you have it, huh? We had a frown, we turned it upside down, and now... ...We're sitting pretty. [ chuckles ] yeah, wish they'd taught me something like this in prison. Oh, sure, mike. I guess this must be a bit of a life lesson for you, huh? Wow. Huh? You made a big mistake, but, uh, we worked it out, and nobody had to go back to prison. Guess now would be a good time to tell you about the 10 extra bathtubs. [ creak! ] I'll tell you, there is nothing more frustrating than to see a good idea go right down the drain. Literally, figuratively, and really. Buzz did a good job. He flew over in the plane there, dropped a great big hunk of blue paint. That come down, mixed with the purple he'd already dropped, and that kind of blended in with the dusty salmon, and by the time he was done, the whole area around possum lake looked unbelievable, like one of them carnivals from rio de January. You know, but we should mention at this time that we used a water-based paint. That way, none of the wildlife would get hurt. Yeah, right, water-based paint. Isn't that great stuff? Until it rains! Well, I think you were asking for it. I mean, that's why the storm was so big, you know. You can't go around playing tricks on mother nature. Wa-a-a! Really, harold? I think your parents did. So, our whole kaleidoscope of paint washed off all the leaves down into the rivers, and all ended up down in possum lake. So now the forest is back green as usual, and possum lake is the color of dirt. As usual. Wa-a-a! [ screeching ] oh, meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be down in a little while, harold. Okay. Well, there's a lesson for all you guys out there. Be it mother nature or any woman, for that matter, don't try to improve on a woman's handiwork. You'll just get dumped on. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. If you're still looking for a color for the living room, I have a sierra gold going down my leg which might be just perfect. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang out here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise! All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. That's good. Good. The thing -- last night, this meteor went flying through the sky... Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.